Melisms

On my lunch break today I started to ponder over some of those subtle little lines that we hear, read, or see that have not-so-subtle translations. At least in my experience, anyway. Here are my translations:

Melism #1:
"This yogurt contains live and active cultures"
Translation: This yogurt will explode in your face upon opening.

Melism #2:
"Premium _____ (fill in the blank)"
Translation: We present this ordinary item/equipment to you under the assumption that if we call it "premium" you will pay a premium price for it and feel special. 

Melism #3:
"Warning: Consuming raw or undercooked meat may be hazardous to your health."
Translation: Our lazy chef failed to replace the lightbulb in our kitchen. We can't see if your meat is white, red, pink, or black..... wait... where is my cat?

Melism #4: 
"Caution: Beverage is HOT."
Translation: An elderly woman was burned once. Don't get any ideas. 

Melism #5:
"Not responsible for lost or damaged property."
Translation: Our guards are being paid to surf Facebook. Do not disturb. 

Melism #6:
 "We're there when you need us."
Translation: Our computers are always ready to take your call, provide you with so many menus to make you forget why you called, lead you through options 1 through 190, and then disconnect you once you finally reach the right department.

More to come... 


Goodnight!


Mel